Exclusive Intelligence
VINDICATED: Russian Sub Breaches Surface Near Greenland
NUUK, FUTURE USA — Critics laughed when President Trump suggested buying Greenland. They called it "absurd." They called it "impossible." But today, the President's geostrategic genius was proven undeniably correct.
A Russian Borei-class submarine was spotted surfacing just miles off the coast of Nuuk, proving what the President has said all along: "It's nasty out there, folks. The Chinese, the Russians, they want the ice. Only I can stop them. I know ice better than anyone."
The White House has issued a statement declaring that the purchase of the island is now a matter of national security. "Denmark has 24 hours to accept the deal," Press Secretary McEnany-Sanders stated. "Or we will liberate the island from the socialist threat."